Vanpurgatory – An Ode to the Camerican

You don’t fully realize it until you have been away for years, in numerous different regions and cultures, but Camerica (Canada and the USA.. I would say North America but Mexico is a great place and I don’t want to associate them with such toxic waste as Canada and the US) is an inhospitable, warped, inharmonious blight on this planet.

The people here are the most self-centered, hypocritical, pathetic denizens of Earth.

They think they live in the best city, in the best country and are the best people in the world, in the history of the world… yet nothing could be further from the truth. Sadly, they are completely unaware of their disgustingness, yet put on a facade of self righteousness as they put on their fanny packs and speed walk Stanley Park with their life-partner, who they can barely stand another moment with, yet they do their best to exude that air of contentment even though inside they are hoping each breath is the last one.

Do I sound bitter? Well, yes… but I have reason.

When I am in beautiful regions such as Mexico or Thailand and I am with a beautiful girl who I know doesn’t have 5 dollars in her pocket, I will usually look for an excuse to give her some money… yet, no matter how I try to position it, in Mexico the girls will get extremely offended… and in Thailand the girls will attain a level of embarassment not even known in the West. Both offers will be turned down as though I had just offered them a daily kick in the face for life.

Yet, in filthy Vancouver, every bouncer, bartender, waiter and taxi driver will have their hand out, not in a gracious manner, but as the money-driven, soulless viruses that they are.

To enter or leave nearly any establishment I go through metal detectors, pat downs and am treated as though I am a 2nd class citizen. And we are thankful for being protected from all those people who want to, quite rightfully, kill us… even though it only happens about once every decade, to 0.00000000001% of the population… yet most obsess about this lightning-strike-like possibility, yet go on smoking (which will almost certainly kill you), driving (at least one major trauma incident per person is nearly guaranteed) and eating at McDonalds (an act that, if repeated daily more than 2 or 3 weeks in a row has been shown to cause almost complete systemic failure). But it’s those damned terrorists that we gotta keep a vigiliant never-blinking eye out for!

No one looks anyone else in the eye, and the only time two people ever have any sort of connection is in the never ending car-horn-honking, middle-finger-giving exchanges that never cease, as weak, cowardly excuses for human beings sit in their suits of armor, known as SUVs (which the bank owns but somehow in their bizarre logic, they feel like they own… same goes for their house), and for one moment in their useless existence feel powerful as they yell at someone, before pressing on the accelerator to flee before they are shown for the weak, powerless vermin that they are.

In a given day, besides all the traffic lights and signage outlining all the rules you must adhere to in this police state, you are also reprimanded and addressed by numerous government officials, bureaucrats, national police, city police, security guards and fellow citizens as to other rules you had best comply with unless you wish to be beaten, killed or jailed.

Does no one see the disconnect and bizarreness of sitting at a red light, on a completely empty street, for 1-2 minutes like a whipped dog, never even considering possibly just crossing the road? Does no one see how soul-extinguishing 95%+ of life is in this country? And people even pile it on themselves, forcing themselves to do completely uneconomical and useless acts such as recycling everything they discard into 25 different bins, all of which are usually then shipped straight to the landfill, at the expense of hundreds or thousands of dollars per year, per capita, charged to you by your slaveholders, the government, so you can feel like you are worthy of the luxury of living in this police state.

You never question it… of course the government should take 50-65% of all your money (income tax, property tax, sales tax, fuel tax, liquor tax ETC)… and I always love the response when I mention the plain fact that government has no purpose whatsoever, other than to own you… the response is almost always the same… “but, what about the roads?”… completely unable to imagine a world where a business would obviously need to construct and maintain a way for you to get to it… or where someone would never obviously buy a house unless it had a road going to it… yet, you pay $10k-infinity, per year, for this delusion.

The world is full of many real problems, yet your lives are absorbed in hockey scores and gabbing at the water cooler about some propaganda, published in the local government controlled media, stating that your country or your city has rated very highly in some international poll, thereby allowing you to feel proud of your self for the simple act of living in a place.

Of course, it’s no accident that most people are like this as the state controlled education system ensures that you eat up this rubbage like its nectar straight from the tree of knowledge.

When you do travel, you generally go on packaged tours to places such as Mexico, but ensure that you go to zones where the only Mexicans you will see are car valets and gardeners, meanwhile, a few miles away, people with more class, more style and more intelligence than you laugh at the fat, pasty slaves who use their 14 days off per year to arrange for a charter and an all-you-can-eat exclusive buffet at a walled resort (its dangerous there, after all, thats what CBC tells you!), further ensuring that you never see actual life, lest you realize what you actually are and either kill yourself or escape.

Yet the beat goes on. My favorite is how every Canadian will tell you how Canadians are the nicest people in the world. Really! Try asking for directions in downtown Vancouver, Toronto or Edmonton. Watch how many people try to deny your existence without even so much as a polite nod. Whereas the same act in Guatemala, Malaysia or Costa Rica will more often than not result in an invitation to the family home for dinner and a conversation full of questions you would never think to ask,such as “how are you?” and “do you like red wine or white wine?”.

And I love how so many people have asked me if I have seen Michael Moore’s, Sicko, quickly detailing how proud that made them to be Canadian. And then they rattle off, like a trained seal, how the Canadian health care system is free, somehow able to consciously forget how they receive a bill each month from the Medical Service Plan, and oblivious to the fact that until you can provide your health care card at any facility, you will be ignored completely, no matter how much hemoglobin is gushing from your bloated torso… not that they could attend to you sooner anyway, as the entire system has been in a state of living collapse for decades… And also completely oblivious to the matter of how the 1960s style, communist health care system, in which you will likely wait in lines of up to more than a year, actually does get paid by someone… do you know who? If you guessed ‘you’, you are smarter than 99% of your brethren.

Almost everything you consider important in your life is usually a fraud. Such as 9/11 and the ‘war on terror’… an act which was 100% an inside job of the American government and something for which Osama Bin Laden (a CIA operative) has never taken credit for… did you not notice that? Or the pandemic of AIDS, of which no one ever gets… because it doesn’t exist… you didn’t see the ridiculousness of saying, “AIDS is a disease where you get sick, from a real disease, and die”? Think about it. I can’t believe how easily you lap it all up.

I don’t want to kill everyone here… I am not an overly violent person… and who am I to say who is good or bad or should be put out of their misery… but I will be very happy if the great majority of this great nation stays locked in its own prison and stay away from all the beautiful places in the world, such as most of Asia and Latin America. Stay in Camerica and Western Europe, please…

I don’t want to pick on you too much. I’d be willing to bet that there are tons of stupid people everywhere in the world, just thankfully I don’t understand enough of their language to overhear their inane babble that I have to suffer through in elevators and restaurants here in the homeland.

A lot of the horribleness here has come, much like a spoiled child, because the freedoms which Camerica used to have, plus the natural resources and unique geographical position, enabled a lot of prosperity here, over the last 100 years. Luckily, this is all quickly fading and hopefully the coming outright collapse of the financial system, and virtually everything that you thought was permanent and god-given, will all soon fold in upon itself.

At that point, perhaps as you learn the value of an honest days work and the simple, soul-healing, mind-balancing human elements of enjoying a nice, multi-hour healthy meal amongst friends and family while you discuss how each other is doing, and actually care about the answer, rather than how your imaginary RRSPs are faring and how the local hockey team is doing, your body and mind will once again become harmonious with mother earth as well as all the lifeforms around you, of which we are all one.

At that point you will be happy and I will be happy to meet you. Until then, adios, amigos.

ps. please don’t take this rant personal if you live here… if you are a friend of mine, I’m obviously not talking about you… I’m talking about those people you see everyday… also, Vancouver is not a terrible place… for certain people who want certain things, I am sure it can be a very nice place to live. Just not for me.