One Night in Warsaw

If there is one thing I can say about the Poles, they are hardy. And they have to be to live in this country!

Ha, well, as you may have guessed, no matter how much I rag some countries, there is ALWAYS lots of good things, even if those things (such as churches and fjords) don’t matter a whole lot to me.

Actually, it is probably about time to reproclaim my disclaimer. Many of the places I travel to I ONLY visit for 1 or 2 days, rarely more than a week or two, and almost always to the main city in the country. OBVIOUSLY if I spent more time in any of these places, and saw more of the country, I would undoubtedly find many beautiful things about it. And, I’m sure, more things to dislike. But my disclaimer stands as this: I am just commenting on my own experiences and full well realize that they are extremely limited. But this is my blog and, in one of the very rare moments in life, that means that I get to do as I damn well please. And so I will.

And so, in regards to Poland, I was in Warsaw for 2 days, 1 night. However I did live like a King, unfortunately I did not get the opportunity to coronate a Queen, or princess, in my brief time there.

Similar to all the places I have been in the last two weeks it was a windswept, chilly place. WHY DOES ANYONE LIVE IN NORTHERN EUROPE???? But unlike all the previous places, the English language is barely understood here. It took me five minutes to explain to my taxi driver to go to the most famous square in all of Warsaw, thank gawd I didn’t stay anywhere lesser known!

I booked a room at a place called the Castle Inn… Trip Advisor told me it was a decent place. What it didn’t tell me was that the cute Polish receptionist would take a liking to me and upgrade me to some sort of royalty room for no reason. She even walked in, without knocking, at 11am… I was unfortunately too hungover to take the hint or I would have yet another great Penthouse Letters story.

The hotel is actually great. It is really nicely situated, literally 10 meters from Warsaw Castle and a nice square with requisite sculptures etcetera. The area is very throwback. You actually feel like you are living in the Soviet Union in 1938 here.

But after I got upgraded to the Austin Powers super-room (pics below), with 30’ ceiling as is normal in these parts, it took on an even more cool feel.

Austin Powers Room 1

From my home base, basically living in the pimp Austin Powers room right at Warsaw Castle I entered into the night.

I went to three places in a row that were recommended by the antiquated internet, which ended up being closed, before I arrived at a place called “The Underground�, somewhere in Warsaw.

As per my experiences in Finland and Latvia I was then inundated with horrific music. The 3 hottest tracks there were Footloose, C&C Music Factory’s “Everybody Dance Now� and the place exploded when they threw on Michael Jackson’s deplorable, “Black or White�. I drank some horrible brand of tequila as quickly as I could to numb myself to the experience. Although there were a fair amount of passable females there and, in actuality, I appear to be of interest to many I couldn’t seem to get fully past the cheesiness.

But if there is one thing northeastern Europe has taught me it is that no dance move is too terrible to do in public

Europe is where old songs go to die but unfortunately they don’t die, at all! Like undead zombie sentinels they roam this so called continent (how is Europe a different continent than Asia?? Oh yes, because “those peopleâ€? look different than “usâ€?… PLEASE… ridiculous scholarly thinking as per usual) even gain strength in this region, becoming more than stupid candy pop tunes from two decades ago and becoming the coolest thing ever. Apparently the only criteria for absolutely loving a track here is that you have heard it before… 20 or 30 years ago. If you are a DJ and you are terrible, go to Poland, Latvia or Finland. No one will ever know! You will be a superstar! You play music??!! AWEEESOMMEEE!!!!

I do have to give them credit for one thing though, when the people here go out they do have fun… Whatever music is played they are laughing, smiling and popping and locking! RAISE THE ROOF!!! WOOF WOOF WOOF DOG POUND!

Maybe it’s the food. Going back to my earlier theme, the food here is hardy food. I am sitting at a café in Plac Zamkowy square right now and just had a plate of perogies with a cup of borscht as chaser. I didn’t really know this before, but borscht is just basically beet soup. I don’t know why, but I love beets. The perogies were flour and potatoes, with some cheese. So basically they eat potatos and beets. They probably need this food to get through the winter considering how terrible the summer is. Every time someone walks into the café, someone quickly rushes to close the door behind them before the bone chilling wind freezes out the place.

As an interesting anecdote, I grew up in northern Canada in a place called Edmonton which had a large Ukrainian population, likely drawn to the place by its barren coldness. It was so Ukrainian there that the biggest tourist attraction, besides ridiculous West Edmonton Mall (the biggest mall in the world at the time, recently surpassed by 85% empty and unoccupied South China mall) was a GIANT Ukrainian Easter Egg. The world’s largest! Hazzah!

Point being, likely because of the proximity to all these Ukrainians I grew up on a fairly steady diet of perogies, kielbasa and the enticing sounding, cabbage rolls. Mmm mmm cabbage!

But, interestingly enough, everywhere I go in the world I run into Ukrainians. They are providers of prostitutes to the world. If you are anywhere and there is a white girl trading money for sex, she is likely Ukrainian. So, whenever I happen upon an Ukrainian I always say, “I love perogies and cabbage rolls!�… to which they always look at me like they have no clue what I am talking about.

So, final point being, even though I always thought perogies and cabbage rolls were TOTALLY from the Ukraine, I think it is more precise to say they are more from, or near, Poland. Especially considering that I am at a Polish restaurant right now and eating perogies. They didn’t bring sour cream with it, though, which is what I was raised upon and I didn’t want to ask, to be the stupid “American� in the room who thought perogies were to be eaten with such a strange sauce. Nonetheless, it was excellent. I do love perogies. And if I lived here I’d definitely eat them all the time to get me through the cold winters AND summers and the bad music.

The girls here are generally quite cute though. If I had to subject myself to ONLY white girls I’d most certainly stay in Eastern Europe or South America. Parts of America have, of course, some amazing and cute girls but the majority have been victimized by their fascist government and a school system intent on dumbing down the population to make finding an enlightened girl there a challenge. And the majority (not all.. but most) Canadian and western European whites are so puffed up with a sense of self-importance to even bother.

I am now heading westward to Brussels. There is an outside chance I may have to go BACK to Norway. If I do I will not be in a very good mood at all and the people I am dealing with there will be in for a very difficult time. If, however, they do as they said they would do, I think I will VERY, VVVVERRRYYY quickly head back to one of Earth’s great regions, Mexico. I miss tacos and the spicy Latinas. Ay mami, Latinas!

In the meantime, the girl I fell in love with in Tallinn sent me some pics and vids, so here ya go:

Jana 1
Jana 2
Me, Jana, her friend and two tag-alongs
Video taken at Hollywood nightclub in Tallinn (Large file: 12mb)